I’ve been thinking about the idea of saying Yes quite a bit over the past several months but I’m not spending as much time with it as I’d like. There is great meaning in this project for me, whatever it turns out to be, and I want to dedicate more time, energy, and thought to it. So…I’m taking a 4-month sabbatical (this does not mean a vacation!) so I can dive into the deep end of the I Said Yes pool (think of a big ‘ol swan dive!). I will be talking with people about the meaningful Yeses in their lives, looking at the research that provides insight into the decisions we make (or don’t), and writing about what I learn.

This is one of those situations when countless reasons to say no come to mind and yet saying Yes seems like the only plausible response. Sometimes we know the answer is Yes even when we can’t explain it to ourselves let alone to others. Practicality doesn’t always reign supreme so taking the risk of bonking my head on the side of the pool seems more appealing than living with the regret of not saying Yes to a meaningful opportunity.

As our New Year gets underway, I’m saying Yes to further exploration of  what it means and what it takes to say Yes to a more purposeful, whole-hearted, meaning-filled life. I will pop in here and again to share what I’m learning and look forward to hearing your thoughts and ideas too.  All the best for a year filled with Yes!

What are you saying Yes to this year?

We all have places that have been great laboratories for our learning…school, work, parenting, being out in nature, blind dates, etc. One of the richest and most recent laboratory for me is Aikido.  I am an Aikido neophyte and what I know about it could fit on the head of a nail. That said, so many of my valuable lessons and my courage to say Yes to things I would normally shy away from  comes from this practice.  One of my lessons around saying Yes happened on the mat recently…

A few weeks ago, I’m trying to do this one technique and I wasn’t getting it. After a few attempts, my training partner suggested I “step in.” I just smiled and thought of course (lessons about saying Yes are everywhere!). I wasn’t fully stepping in so I couldn’t do the technique as it was intended. I tried it again, stepping in slightly further, and it was a completely different experience.

The concept of stepping in translates off the mat as well. If how we do anything is how we do everything then this was a perfect example of how I get in my way when saying Yes. Not fully stepping in to what I’m up to limits my engagement, my connection to others, and ultimately my success. It got me thinking about what limits us from fully stepping in once we say Yes.  Here are few things that come to mind:

1. We “should” all over ourselves – this may be obvious but how many times do we say Yes because we feel we should? Is it guilt, obligation, self-flogging? We could certainly argue there are some things we “should” do even if we really don’t want to.  Many fall into the “doing the right thing” category. I should go to the gym, eat my veggies, walk the dog in the pouring rain, call my long lost cousin…etc. What about the other “shoulds” that tell us to say Yes when we know we really don’t have the time, energy, or heart to do it?  How does saying Yes to them impact our more important priorities?

2. Over-extending by not saying no – the fact is there is only so much time and energy in the day. There is an entire post (or more) brewing  on this concept but until then think about this: your Yes means nothing until your no means something. When we say no to to an opportunity, we are taking a stand for something else we want to say Yes to. In our world, it is easy to reach beyond a reasonable point or obligate ourselves to more than we can accomplish well or with any kind of meaning. One solution is to remind ourselves about our bigger Yes and put our tongues on the roof of our mouths, make an “N” sound followed by an “O” sound and say a big ‘ol no!

3. We want to do everything – our friends in this category (you know who you are!) are often spontaneous with many interests and can tend to say Yes too much which can lead to being over-extended or scattered. In the moment, it’s enticing and exciting but at times it can create a distraction from what is most important.  To counter-act this phenomenon, make a habit of stopping to evaluate what Yeses are most critical and make the hard decisions to say no or defer. When all else fails, give yourself permission to renegotiate when you can’t fulfill on a Yes previously committed to.

4. Leap before we look – in our enthusiasm, we commit before fully knowing what we are really saying Yes to. Maybe someone has inspired you to take action on something or was persuasive to the point you eagerly signed on the dotted line without reading the fine print. Did you think you were committing to two hours a week of volunteer work when it turns out you’re running the committee?  Bottom-line: ask questions before you say Yes!

5. Fear of failure, lack of competence, etc. – this one is near and dear to my heart. The Yes can be fully there but it trails behind the concern of making a mistake and ultimately not succeeding at something that is important. The image of double-dutch comes to mind. Remember? Two jump ropes move in opposite directions and to be successful you have to find the right entry point and jump in. If you hesitate, you either don’t get in game or you stand on the side line watching the opportunity pass you by.  What’s the worst thing that can happen? Your foot gets caught on the rope and you hit the ground? What’s a little boo boo if it gets you to that ultimate Yes!

About 10 years ago, I took my mom on a trip to Greece. We met up  with my BFF and her husband in Athens and traveled the coast so we could climb Mt. Olympus (9,500 ft.). My mom, who was about 67 at the time, waited until we were on the trail to tell me she had never hiked before. You would have thought that information would have come out when we were buying her hiking boots prior to the trip (perhaps I should have asked?)!  This would fall into the category of leaping before she looked! The relevance to all of this is there were several points on the trail when she wanted to quit. Although she said Yes to climbing the mountain, she was afraid she was holding us back or that she just wasn’t going to be able to make it to the top. My BFF encouraged her to take baby steps. One baby step after the next she made it to the top.

Sometimes the size of the step isn’t as important as the intention and the spirit behind it. There are times when we can take a big leap or a huge step towards our Yes and others when we need to take baby steps. The quality, intention, and commitment to the step is what moves us closer to our Yes. We can’t have a full, unequivocal Yes unless we step in, however that step looks.

What do you want to step into that will take you closer to your Yes and what can you do to make it happen?

Ecuador is a magical place that proved to be perfect for rest and renewal. At Camp Renewal, I became accustomed to not living by a watch or clock…I slept when I was tired, ate when I was hungry…heaven! The trick now is to find  way to integrate my renewed state back into my day to day world.

When I arrived in Ecuador, several things about life didn’t make sense. I wanted to “figure things out” but knew thinking my way through it wasn’t going to work. I was sitting with the question, “how does one find clarity for life’s big questions”?

On the back end of Camp Renewal, I’m finding great benefit in learning how to be with the question until the answer emerges. By living in the question, we allow for things to percolate so a grounded answer can emerge. In graduate school classmates would say, “be with the question instead of the answer”. It always annoyed me. Can’t I please just have the answer? Exercising patience for an answer to a big question has not been my forte to date. You?

Over the past few weeks, some clarity has come, and yet, the bigger questions remain a mystery. What has been helpful is to look at the things that invite clarity out of hiding so I can continue to pursue the answers to my questions. Here are few things I’ve found to be helpful:

• Decompress with the unfamiliar – explore a new place to get a different perspective. This doesn’t have to be a foreign country (but it can’t hurt!). Perhaps it’s a new hiking trail, a park, or a road trip to somewhere you’ve never been. Find an unfamiliar place to decompress. If your shoulders sit close to your ears, stay a few days!
• Use the off button – divorce yourself for as long as possible from anything that can pull you back into your reality…emails, phones, music, etc. If you can’t stay away from your iPod, find a genre of music you have never listened to. Completely escape your reality!
• Find your way into nature. Trees produce oxygen. We need oxygen to produce energy. Enough said…hug a tree!
• Find a new way of doing something (or just do something new) – my Spanish, in a word, sucks. I got a C in high school Spanish but I believe Senor Green would be proud of how I managed to get around without completely offending anyone (at least to my knowledge!). Anything that stretches you in an unfamiliar way can create some space for clarity to come. Shake it up a bit!
• Set aside time to just be with yourself –  this doesn’t say time by yourself but time to be with yourself. There’s a difference! This is not about finally being able to get to all of those household chores because your kids are out of the house or a meeting was cancelled. It’s about tending to yourself  however that looks. So many of us are not use to being in our own company and it can take some time to settle into it.

This isn’t rocket science but we all know that simple does not mean easy. The theme for all of this is space. Space allows for clarity and clarity leads us to our bigger Yes! My job when seeking clarity is to give myself space. Some of the things I’ve tried are above. What would you add to the list?

Note: I’d love to hear your comments but understand from some it is not clear how to do that. If you are interested in posting a comment or following others on a certain post, go to the top of the email and click on the post title (for example, Living in the Question). It will take you to the web page where you can scroll to the bottom to make a comment and keep up with the comments of other readers.

Hola!

At this moment, I am sitting on my BFF’s rooftop deck overlooking three incredible mountains in Otavalo, Ecuador.  I came to Ecuador to replenish myself, something that has been way overdue! My fantasy is I will leave here two weeks from now not just rested but with my luggage in hand and my life figured out (well, just the really unclear parts!). Two weeks should be enough,  don’t you think?

You know those times when some of the bigger questions about your life are knocking at your door? Persistently! Things aren’t clear or don’t make sense. Your direction is less than apparent and though it feels like it will last forever your experience tells you it won’t? I’m smack dab in the middle of that right now and I know I am not alone. Though I know it is all good and it’s leading me to a place I cannot even imagine, there are moments when I am more than anxious to find the clarity I’m seeking and move on.

So, just how does one move through this space? My tendency is to think my way out of it. I spin countless ideas around, endlessly talk it through with my board of directors (you know those great friends who patiently listen and sometimes advise for however long you need them to), and gather as much relevant research/data as I can. I rely on my brain. I have a pretty good brain but left to its own devices I’m not sure it alone can help me find the clarity I seek. Someone once told me to treat my head like a bad neighborhood…never go in when it’s dark and always take a friend! Solid words to live by when you are seeking clarity about your life!

By only using my brain, I am essentially turning my back on the intelligence of my emotions and my body. They don’t lie. It’s not that I have never accessed their wisdom, I just don’t do it consistently or in an integrated way. Imagine the power of all three working together!

So, what does all of this have to do with saying Yes? We often know what we want to say Yes to. That’s easy. In a transition or transformation, it’s not always clear. The old isn’t working but the new hasn’t revealed itself yet. Living in the in between can be uncomfortable and it’s compelling to cut and run before true clarity shows itself. In these times, we can say Yes to something that will get us to the bigger Yes.

Don’t Just Do Something…Sit There!

A few years back a friend gave me a door hanger with the statement above. Right now, I’m taking these words to heart and saying Yes to sitting there (here really). This does not mean I will stay on a mountain top until I find my answers but rather I will find ways to cultivate more stillness throughout my day so the clarity I seek can be seen and heard. I’d hate for the big answer to come and be so distracted that I’d have to say, “I’m sorry, what was that?”. Perhaps this way, I’ll hear what my heart and my body have to say and then invite my brain to the party too.

How do you find clarity to answer your big questions?

A Chops Original

Instead of my originally planned post, I’m using this time to pay tribute to my Uncle Chops who passed away on Friday after a valiant, five-year fight with colon cancer. Though he was Uncle Chops to me, his given name is Mark Lambert. Lambert…lamb chops…Chops…get it? Technically, he was not my blood uncle but he was the brother my dad never had and just as much of an uncle to me as any blood relative.  Paying tribute to him here seems appropriate as he was the most alive human being I have ever known and someone who knew the power of saying Yes!

Chops was a commercial artist and met my dad when he drove his motorcycle into my dad’s office supply store to buy some art pencils.  That was Chops. Why park your bike in the parking lot when you can just ride it into a store? His nature was to push the boundaries of what is conventional.  My dad admired that in Chops and they became fast friends. Chops had a reputation for being crazy. Not in the clinical sense but in the whacky sense. He would try anything, talk to anyone (even when no one was around), and lend a hand to anyone who needed it. We were all out  one night and we walked by someone who clearly in rough shape. Many would walk by and try to ignore the person. Not Chops. He stopped, asked the guy about his story, listened, and then told him where he could go to get a warm meal. His heart always seemed to be open. It makes me wonder if his open heart helped to him say Yes or if saying Yes opened his heart. Maybe both?

Chop’s solution to any  life circumstance was to be of service. Feeling sad? Go do some service. Feeling happy? Go do some service. Tired of yourself and your problems? Go do some service! There wasn’t anything in life that couldn’t be helped through service.  For years he went down to the mission to provide meals for the homeless, he taught at-risk youth how to paint, and spent countless hours supporting the members of his church. The list goes on…

My Uncle Chops is a role model for me in saying Yes and fighting through or living through those rough patches in life with an open heart. His desire to live was so great that he tried countless options to fight the cancer that lived in him. As a result, he had five more birthdays with his grandkids, traveled to beautiful places with his wife of 25 years, and was of service to countless people. His love of life was contagious and his commitment to saying Yes to others will live on in all that knew him.

Who is your role model for saying Yes?

Over the course of the past number of years I unintentionally got in the habit of saying no to opportunities more than I said yes. Through a series of losses and a couple of reasonably-sized disappointments, I unconsciously started to pull away from living my life the way I intended. Work has always been a place where I have been successful and in recent years I found myself married to my career. Outwardly, I had success but I didn’t have much personal satisfaction.

This is not to say I would come home and share a can of tuna with a clutter of cats with the blinds closed – I have great friends, have done many interesting things, traveled to beautiful places; and yet, I can honestly say it hasn’t been with the kind of joy or satisfaction I know is possible for me.  Because so much of my energy was going to my work and I wasn’t fully replenishing it, I found myself increasingly saying no and didn’t fully see the broader impact it was having on my health, on my spirit, and on my life overall.

My belief is there is a big offer inside all of us – our unique contribution to the world. I know I make a contribution but because I can hesitate to say yes, or more importantly say no, I haven’t been living fully into mine.  I wonder how many of us do.

Sometimes we step out and create a change in our lives merely because we want to. Other times, we need a kick in the butt and it’s done by some other force – a nudge or a push if you will.  My nudge into this new life of mine came in two stages.  First, I lost my job that was linked to the largest bank failure in U.S. history. I had invested so much of myself into this organization and I walked away questioning my contribution and the future of my work. The second nudge (rather jolt), was the death of my mother.  I’ve experienced loss in my life – more than some, less than others, but nothing has compared or prepared me for this. More than anything that has come before me, the process of living without her has invited me to look at my life through a different lens. These changes have allowed me to rethink the contribution I want to make regarding my work, my community, and my life overall.  I’m not sure what new shape my offer will take but I suspect it will become clearer as I explore this idea of saying Yes.

My mom’s response to my question about how she grew her heart so big, and those three simple words of “I Said Yes,” got me thinking about why I say yes, why I don’t, and all of the other questions that come along with it. Thus, the Year of Yes!

Writing this blog to explore this concept feels right in many ways. And,  it is also somewhat terrifying to put myself out there in a way I haven’t done with a topic I’m just exploring myself (more on this later). I suspect being terrified about something that was inspired out of goodness, that feels right, and has the potential to serve myself and others isn’t a good enough reason for not doing it. So…to this I’m saying Yes!

My guess is many of us have a bigger yes in us that we haven’t fully tapped. It’s just a guess.  Discovering my bigger Yes is in process so I’m focusing on living into the smaller yeses so the big Yes will reveal itself when the time is right.

What’s the big (or little) Yes you are living into?